Never Sacrifice a Whore
by dead drifter
Summary: After a virgin sacrifice gone wrong, Hidan ends up in Mario Land. Will he ever find a way back home?
1. Chapter 1

**Never Sacrifice a Whore **

**Chapter 1: No Blood?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Nintendo or anything else. **

**A/N: Okay, this is sort of inspired by those hilarious Mario Frustration videos on Youtube, as well as watching walkthroughs for Super Mario Bros 3. **

**WARNING: Mention of Shounen Ai/ Yaoi but nothing shown. Oh yeah, and Crude Language and Violence. When the main character is Hidan, it should be obvious, right? **

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It was a typical Sunday morning. Kisame was off to church to pray to Jesus to heal Itachi's eyes. Kakuzu was at the mall, hunting down bargains and force feeding cashiers coupons. Tobi and Zetsu were playing outside in the sprinkler. Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein and Pein were doing paper work with Konan. Deidara was blowing up empty Pledge cans in the driveway (and sometimes in the lawn, where Zetsu and Tobi were playing). Sasori was off at a doll convention in Iwagakure. Itachi was at Dunkin Donuts, asking for directions to Konoha so he could visit his foolish little brother.

And that left just one person. Hidan. Where was the Jashinist? In his sacrificial chamber of course. He was just finishing carving up his latest virgin, who happened to be Mizuki. Kakuzu had brought him home during his last trip to the grocery store, as a gift for their anniversary. They'd been "in fuck" for three years now, and Kakuzu had been thoughtful enough to pick a virgin up for his favorite fuck buddy.

But Kakuzu was a cheap bastard, and in fact, the 'virgin' he'd bought from someone selling prisoners to cults on the black market was not really a virgin at all. The old man had no problem, thinking that it really didn't matter if the sacrificial victim was really a virgin or not. Hidan, however, knew that it was important that only virgin blood be used, though he didn't know what would happen. He soon found out. As soon as the sacrifice was over, and the last of Mizuki's blood dribbled onto the floor, all of the lights in the house burned bright, and then the bulbs exploded.

Hidan sat up abruptly and looked around. He'd never seen this before…

"Oh, fuck!" Hidan said when the circle of blood he sat in was engulfed in a shaft of light, and the priest was teleported into a new dimension. Hidan seemed to go into a trance. When he came to, he was standing in a strange digital world, where everything was made up of squares. A short, squatty brown thing with a unibrow and snaggle teeth shuffled up to Hidan and banged into his leg. Hidan leaped into the air, landing on a green pipe.

"What the fuck is this shit?"

A sudden memory of Tobi and Deidara playing a particular video game flashed in his head, and he uttered "Goomba?"

Indeed, there was a Goomba shuffling around on the ground, stuck between a block and a green pipe. Hidan hopped off of the pipe and stomped on the little brown mushroom-like thing. It flattened out, and disappeared. Hidan blinked.

"No blood? What the hell kind of faggot ass game is this?"

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Will Hidan ever get out of Mario Land? Stay tuned to find out!


	2. Chapter 2

**Never Sacrifice a Whore**

**Chapter 2: Fuck You, Blooper! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Nintendo or anything else. **

**Summary: Hidan further explores Mario Land, and comes into contact with someone from the outside world! Unfortunately, it's not someone who can really help. **

**A/N: I'm not really keeping it real with the game. Okay? And damn the chapters are too short!**

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Hidan wandered around the strange world and ended up face to face with a piranha plant.

"Oh…Zetsu'd LIKE you," Hidan said with a smirk. In answer, the piranha blew a ball of fire at him. Hidan dashed out of the way, hiding behind a block. Hidan peeked up from the block and flicked the thing off.

"Fuck you, bitch!"

Hidan got up, and hit his head on another block suspended in the air. A star shaped object came out of the top of the block, and ran into him. Hidan flashed different colors, feeling suddenly invincible.

"You're going to hell, heathen abomination of Jashin!"

Hidan charged at the plant, but it shrunk into the pipe just in time, and Hidan ended up soaring through the air, landing on a koopa's back. It retreated into its shell. Hidan scrambled back to his feet and kicked the turtle. It skidded to the opposite block then bounced and headed right back at the Jashinist. Hidan ran and leapt over the pipe before he could be run over.

"Fucking stupid ass!" Hidan shouted and continued to journey down the strange land. He reached something blue and understood it as water.

'I wonder if I can walk on top of it, like that heathen hippy god?' Hidan thought to himself. He took a tentative step on the surface, and his foot sunk into the digitally cold (is that possible?) water.

"Fuck!"

Hidan looked around for any way to get across, and saw a koopa flying around in the air. He took a flying leap and landed on its back, but it fell under his weight and both he and the creature fell to the cold water bellow, which much cursing by Hidan.

The priest sunk to the bottom of the water, trying to hold his breath. He tried to swim, and ended up in a cave like area with strange squid creatures floating about. The priest, not realizing that he wasn't even holding his breath anymore, tried to get out of the creature's way. It ran right into him and he was knocked backwards.

"Fuck you, blooper!" Hidan howled. The 'blooper' simply kept following him around. Hidan got to a wall and swam up, finally breaking the surface again. He climbed onto the shore and as surprised to find that he wasn't even wet. The blooper exited the water as well, deciding to hover above Hidan's head like a lost puppy squid thing.

"Hey, just fuck the hell off, you heathen squid demon!"

The blooper said nothing.

Hidan shook his head angrily and went on walking until he came to a castle. He looked up to see a flag pole with a triangle (the flag) stuck at the top. Then a brown little midget bearing a mustache that would make any of the village people proud scurried past, pulled the pole down (doing a pole dance) and then ran into the castle.

Hidan stared in awe.

"Holy fuck, Mario's even gayer in person," Hidan muttered crossly. Tehn an idea hit him. Maybe someone was playing the game, and he was just stuck inside it! Maybe they could even SEE him! Hidan turned to what he assumed must be the screen (even though it was like a sheet of opaque glass) and started waving his middle fingers.

"HEY! SHIT HEADS! HEATHEN WHORE HOUNDS! HELP ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING 8 BIT NIGHTMARE!"

Then, the voice of Jashin spoke to him, in Tobi's voice, amplified times a thousand. Wait, no, it wasn't Jashin at all. It was just Tobi.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Fuck not so loud, basketball head! Get me OUT of here!"

"Tobi thinks Luigi is silly!"

"What the fu…NO, Tobi, you nimrod, it's a me, Hidan!"

Jashin AKA Tobi was silent. The blooper was just as silent. Hidan couldn't decide which made him angrier, the floating abomination of Jashin following him around like a lost puppy, or Tobi being the only connection he had to the outside world.


End file.
